update

well, october 26th we had a referral! only a month after our paperwork was sent. but, unfortunetely (i never can spell that word) we had to say no based on our life and this wonderful childs life. it was one of the hardest things we had to do, but we did it, and even over a month later we still think about it and how hard it was and how it can really affext you but we made a decision based on what is best for everyone and hope for the next referral to be "the one". it was so quick as well, we were shocked and excited and hurt all within days of that call.
as you go through the adoption process you have so many highs and lows. you will read this and other blogs and think, nahhhh, but just you wait. :)  you will know what i mean when you get there. everyone has those, its the nature of the beast.

we have friend after friend getting married and pregnant and then seeing them with the miracle of life and you feel mixed feelings, you are happy for them but sad for yourself because you want that so bad.  you see shows or commercials or something on facebook and you break down because you want a family so bad. its a mix of emotions and you feel bad that you arent excited and over the moon for your friends, you feel guilty, at least i do, about having these feelings, but i guess thats just being a human, those are thoughts maybe that others go through as well, especially when youve tried for so long as done so many things, and so you hide your sadness and pain so the world cant see your hurting and you push through. and you know every day is a day closer, but saying that doesnt help the wanting and hoping and sadness of it not being now.

others are getting referrals and you get good and bad feelings when that happens. others are waiting and have been waiting longer than us without a referral and you hope they find the right child as well.   but we know the right child for our family will be placed at the right time.  sometimes you dont know when that will be and you cant see the bigger picture of life, so we trust and pray that everything is going to be fine. we know we have each other and that together we can move mountains.but i will continue to check my phone and hope today is the day and get bummed when it isnt and some days ill go without too much thoughts about it and some days its all i can think about.